


tobio has a cheeky nandos and then dies

by pittoo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Graphic Depictions of Hiccups, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-05
Updated: 2015-05-05
Packaged: 2018-03-29 04:45:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3882820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pittoo/pseuds/pittoo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>what the fuck lol</p>
            </blockquote>





	tobio has a cheeky nandos and then dies

Kageyama hasn't slept in 5 days.

Hiccups - as he was already aware, of course he'd had bouts of the things before - were not much fun. It was funny for the first half an hour, maybe, when he was still at Nandos with Tsukishima and he'd successfully beaten the bespectacled asshole at eating a plate of ten Extra Extra Hot chicken wings and the hiccups were overshadowed by the glory and the almost painful burning sensation in his mouth. Both had faded after a day, however, and the fact his hiccups had not were becoming more and more concerning, because it's pretty hard to sleep when you're living in constant fear of your diaphragm deciding it wants to spasm and murder your chest in the process.

After forty eight hours, Kageyama thought maybe his performance at college was being affected by his two consecutive all-nighters, because he would have fallen asleep on his maths catchup sheet if his hiccups hadn't disturbed him and also the other kids kept laughing at him and it was making him feel self conscious because it wasn't his fault he'd wanted to beat Tsukishima at eating Nandos, surely they'd understand because he was pretty sure at least half the campus had been there, done that.

He'd tried everything in the three days that followed; he'd sat with his fingers in both ears and a clothes-peg attached to his nose for about half an hour before he swore he could feel his sinuses screaming at him to stop, why are you doing this, and he'd had to spit out the twelfth glass of water he'd been trying to down - he'd tried sipping iced water instead, without the clothes-peg, but by the time it was all the way down his shirt and dribbled over his mail. He'd forced himself to sneeze with pepper, he'd eaten a lemon whole, he'd even convinced Tsukishima to spend almost the entirety of the fourth day to try and scare him and he'd lived in constant terror for at least 9 hours before begging him to stop because it really was not working. 

By Day Five of having hiccups, Yamaguchi had sat him down in their kitchen and explained that, look, we're all worried about you, Kageyama, We're sure Yachi has been crying for at least four hours because she's so worried, you need to see a doctor, and reluctantly, Kageyama agreed, made the phone call to request an emergency next-day appointment and, a night of no sleep later, sacrificed 150 hard-earned Japanese Yen to catch a bus to the nearest doctors surgery.

Looking about as tired as he felt, Kageyama signed into the waiting room with one of the motherly middle-aged ladies behind the counter, who offered him a sympathetic smile when, as he told them his name, the 'Yama' part of it was cut off by a pointed hiccup, and took a seat in the waiting room among the children suffering from one of those middle school stomach bugs that go around and at least three sickly looking elderly men.

He waited for an hour and twenty minutes.

One of the younger children had tried to ask him to stop hiccuping because it was making her head hurt; Kageyama would have liked to assure her it was making his head hurt, too, but he obviously got it across with a grumpy stare and an almost deliberately loud hiccup which had her scrambling back to her mother. Fortunately said mother wasn't staring daggers at him in some kind of an attempt to set him on fire because she had to take her child to see the doctor not five minutes later, leaving Kageyama almost entirely alone in the waiting room aside from a man with a swollen hand who had come in after him who kept trying to start up a conversation about gardening and allergens and shit - needless to say after another five minutes, when Kageyama's name was called out over the speaker telling him to wait outside Room 3, he was pretty relieved. He'd never cared much for gardening. Or allergens.

Kageyama had opened the door to Room 3 feeling pretty miserable, and also kind of hungry. Any emotion left him in a sweep as soon as he'd stepped foot past the door.

The nurse was  _beautiful._

Being as intelligent as he was, Kageyama had been convinced all nurses were female, but this one definitely wasn't - or, at least, he thought so, because they were shaped like a rectangle even if it was a very beautiful rectangle and had a kind of deep voice even if Kageyama didn't hear the words he'd said beyond 'sit'. He took it to assume he needed to sit down on the blue chair opposite the doctor's desk before he looked creepy by standing there checking out the nurse he probably wouldn't even get to talk to.

"What seems to be the problem, Kageyama-san?" The doctor asked - he was a pretty nondescript man, and by any case, Kageyama wasn't paying attention to him, because his eyes were firmly glancing to the left where the nurse was standing. He was a pretty short guy, but if he was here Kageyama figured he must at least be of graduate-age - Kageyama would be too if he hadn't failed the second year and had to do it again - unless he was some high schooler on work experience, or something, which Kageyama steadfastly hoped was not the case because he respects the law. He couldn't really read the nametag on the guys uniform from where he sat, but he did see the 'Hina' part, which seemed pretty fitting for a guy with bright red hair and freckles dusting his face like he'd been out in the sun his whole life or possibly had a genetic mutation commonly associated with red hair and sensitivity to UV rays. Kageyama was midway through writing a poem in his head about how his hair was comparable to the most delicious and ripe oranges when his thoughts were interrupted by a hiccup.

"Hiccups?" Was the doctors next question, to which Kageyama replied "No - (a hiccup) shit."

"How long has this been going on for?" Came next, which Kageyama was pretty prepared for. As a firm anti-Doctors appointment kind of guy, Kageyama had scripted out this entire dialogue - he'd even typed it up, with nice margins and everything. He was prepared. Yachi had even rehearsed it with him. There was no way this could go wrong.

Past Kageyama had, however, not taken into account the presence of a really gorgeous nurse that might muddle his brain function up a little bit, so rather than the 'it started on monday' he'd planned on saying, his diaphragm convulsed, a strained hiccup left him, and he stammered out a 'five' instead.

The beautiful nurse laughed at him.

"So five days?" Kageyama nodded weakly. He really hoped he could use the embarrassment of his hiccups as an excuse for the redness of his cheeks so no one would think it was because he was being a huge nerd in front of a hot guy. "When did this start, Kageyama-san?"

"I was at Nandos," Kageyama said, more firmly this time, instead of something dumb like 'five' again. He hiccuped. 

"Had you eaten?" It seemed like a kind of odd question because yeah, why else would he be at fucking Nandos, but he grumbled out a "yeah, ten wings," instead, which just served to earn him another laugh.

"Spicy, I presume?" The guy was typing something, which made Kageyama kind of uneasy. He wasn't sure if he wanted "hiccuped for five days because of nandos" on his medical record forever.

"Yeah. The hottest one."

"A dare?" He was still typing. Great, "hiccuped for five days because of the hottest nandos as eaten on a dare" was even worse.

"Ooooh, I've been there." It was the first time the nurse had spoken since Kageyama had entered the room and, fuck, was it angelic, especially with that sympathetic tone to it, and Kageyama kind of wanted to die right now because even if he died from hiccups he would die happy and with an actual angel with him possibly trying to perform CPR so he could kiss him or something equally homosexual. 

"Trying to beat my - (a hiccup) friend." Kageyama admitted, since the beautiful nurse had admitted to doing similar, so he didn't have to feel like he was a fucking walnut about saying he'd tried to beat his friend at eating nandos.

"Did you win?" The nurse asked, reaching forward over the desk to put some antibacterial gel on his hands after the doctor muttered something at him.

"Yeah." Kageyama said, feeling a bit smug about that. Winning that sort of competition was hot, right? He probably looked totally attractive right now. Who doesn't want to date a winner.

Apparently the doctor had been trying to get his attention for some time by the time Kageyama noticed, but who was to blame him? The little redhead looked so cute rubbing his hands together and sniffing them like the lemon scented gel was the nicest thing he'd ever tasted (Kageyama half expected him to dart his tongue out and taste it, or maybe that was just his fantasies projecting themselves? Either way.) "I don't think there's any underlying medical condition behind your hiccups, Kageyama-san." He said after a deliberate and pointed clearing of his throat. "It's unusual they have gone on for so long, but it seems to me overeating and very spicy food combined may be the cause. We're going to try a carotid sinus massage - do you know what that is, Kageyama-san?"

It was a dumb question to ask Kageyama, of all people, of course he didn't know what it was, but the word 'massage' had gotten him excited, especially since the nurse had just washed his hands which probably meant he'd be the one giving said massage, so he'd just nodded enthusiastically like he had any fucking clue what a carotid or a sinus even was.

"Ah, that's good! Should shorten the procedure quite considerably - as you should know, then, this will take about fifteen minutes, and hopefully your hiccups should go away as a result. Is that okay with you, Kageyama-san?"

Fifteen fucking minutes with the redhead fuckers beautiful hands on his neck - how could he say no?

Five minutes later, he thinks he should have said no.

The first five of those minutes were spent lying on his back feeling a bit bored, and also hiccuping, which made him miserable, even if he had a really pretty redhead talking to him and explaining shit for the entire time because what he was saying was really, really boring. The kid didn't seem to know what he was saying, either - he kept looking to the doctor for reassurance, which at least gave Kageyama some reassurance this guy wasn't like forty years old or something since he still seemed to unsure of his profession. It was cute even if it was a little worrying.

The sixth minute, in which the guys fingers finally touched him - two soft (did he use moisturizer? it felt like it) finger pads pressed into his neck, which tickled first of all, and then they  _really_ pressed and all of a sudden Kageyama's feet felt like static and his neck felt more uncomfortable than it had ever felt in his life. He was pretty sure a massage was supposed to be a pleasant experience, not near constant and almost painful pins-and-needles in the sole of his feet (and it was itchy which sucked) and uncomfortable pressure on his neck rubbing hard and unskilled and Kageyama was almost certain Hinata - he'd been able to read his nametag now they were up close and personal - had never done this before in a real life situation and probably just on his roommate or one of those weird plastic first aid practice dummies like he'd had to put in the recovery position and give chest compressions to in high school.

Fifty seconds later the horribleness started to fade, into something kind of comfortable, like Hinata had become more at ease with the situation. His fingers had stopped applying so much pressure which eased the tingling in Kageyama's feet, becoming more soothing than anything; Kageyama wondered if he'd finally get some sleep with how relaxed it made him feel, and he hadn't even hiccuped since the guy started. Unfortunately, about ten seconds after that the fingers left, so it wasn't even like he had time to enjoy the intimate ten seconds of mutual enjoyment he'd shared with a pretty nurse he'd never see again after today. Life had really been fucking him hard up the anus this past week. Without lube. _  
_

"How do you feel?" Hinata asked, voice like auditory sunshine like he hadn't just instigated the worst 50 seconds of Kageyama's life. Kageyama waited a second to answer - a beautiful, luxurious second with no hiccuping to interrupt his peace.

"Terrible." He replied.

He had to sit by himself for ten minutes after that.

 

Kageyama's hiccups were gone, which was a positive. He'd been sent off with a pleased doctor - probably because he wanted Kageyama to leave a positive satisfaction review on his way out, but like hell Kageyama, as a busy college student, had time to do that - and, unfortunately, not even a lollipop to sooth his nerves after almost six days of absolute torture, or at the very least a cute boyfriend. There was the negative; he'd walked out without even a goodbye from the nurse, or even a final glance at him, because he hadn't come back after leaving in the final moments because he had to go pee. Kageyama could feel his heart breaking even as he left the hospital.

Hastily, because as a busy college student he had to do these things quickly, he sent Yamaguchi and Yachi identical texts about how he would be late home, probably, before starting out on a four hour long heist which involved, as busy college students do, sitting in absolute silence playing angry birds on his phone until it ran out of battery waiting for a cute nurse to come out on a break or to come home or something.

It wasn't until nine in the evening - nine - Kageyama didn't even know shifts went on for that long - that the cute redhead emerged, still in his blue nurse's uniform (not skimpy like Kageyama would like to imagine him in, of course, but there was something about the way the collar covered most of his neck and the sleeves almost went past his wrists that made him all the more attractive) but adorning bright red sneakers and a messenger bag with a puppy on it. Kageyama knew, then, it was the perfect time to strike.

"Hi." He leaned against the wall with one elbow, slipping in the process and straightening himself up instead. Maybe the little guy found imposing guys hot.

"Hi." came the response. He obviously didn't find imposing guys hot because he looked kind of scared, and had taken a defensive position like he was reaching for pepper spray, so Kageyama decided to take the bashful route - involving dipping his head and scratching his arm and looking anywhere but at the actual real life glowing angel in front of him (also because he  _was_  bashful and his pulse had increased by about 1000 beats per minute and he was kind of fearful of an impending stroke)

"You. Uh." Kageyama cleared his throat. He kind of wished he still had hiccups, because they served as a pretty nice talking point, and alleviated a lot of awkwardness by making people giggle. He'd heard the guy giggle earlier and it was cute, so it would have been a worthwhile sacrifice, probably. "Hello."

"Hi?" Hinata repeats, tilting his head in that cute way puppies do when you make a sound they don't quite understand at them. "Did you, um, want something? I thought your hiccups were gone? I'm sorry if I didn't help!"

Kageyama wants to laugh at him in that comforting way Yamaguchi does sometimes when someone messes up a little, like a fond mother, but he doesn't really do laughing or comforting or fond mother, so he scowls instead. "Have I hiccuped even once since I started talking, dumbass?"

Hinata looks relieved. "No... Ah, that's good! I've never done that before so I was worried I might give you a heart attack, or something."

Kageyama wants to say idiot, I'm having a heart attack  _now_ , but he also wants to say wait you could have given me a heart attack? but he settles for neither, because that doesn't get him any closer to holding this boys hand. So instead, he tries to say something like 'would you like to go out sometime' or 'please let me buy you a pizza' or even 'come home with me so i can jump you' but, instead, in his infinite experience as a master of romance, he manages just one, beautiful, romantic, man-catching word.

"Coffee?"

Fucking nailed it.

Hinata's little freckle-dotted face scrunched up cutely, like he was trying to comprehend Kageyama's question like the word 'coffee' by itself asked with a questioning tone was difficult to understand. "You're asking a nurse you just met on a date?" Is what he asks, and Kageyama supposes that's probably a better thing to spend fifteen seconds thinking about than what the word coffee might mean.

"A c-cute nurse." Kageyama stammers out and, wow, he isn't being very suave, but waiting outside the hospital for four hours wasn't particularly suave, either, so he lets himself off. "You don't have to - You don't even know me or anything, you're just kind of cute, and your hair is really nice like ripe oranges and do you use moisturised because it really felt like-"

"Okay!" Hinata squeaks - Kageyama's a little annoyed he was interrupted because he'd perfected that poem in his head in the time he'd been waiting and it was sure it'd get him a date, for certain, but it seemed like he'd already got one. Hinata was flushing bright red like he's the embarrassed one in this situation - all Kageyama can think, though, is  _cute_ , and it takes everything he has not to smile creepily as the boy grabs his hand and scribbles his name and phone number in black sharpie on Kageyama's hand. It won't wash off easily, but Kageyama's not sure he wants to wash his hand for the next while, anyway. "We'll - text me about it, okay?"

"Okay." Kageyama's sure this went better than one of Yachi's - okay, his - shoujou mangas, if there even was one about a boy and a nurse - or maybe a girl and a nurse? - anywhere, even if he doesn't get a kiss on the cheek when Hinata scurries off with a wave and a face as bright as his own hair.

 

It's more than Kageyama could have asked for from a ten minute encounter outside a hospital in the dark; the excitement drives him to run home to a charger so he can text the boy, and even if that excitement ends up sending him into another severe bout of hiccups, he doesn't mind.

After all - all that means is he'd get to go to the doctor.

**Author's Note:**

> my sisters worked as a nurse for years and i still dont really know how a&e works. do they even have it in japan because i didnt look it up i bet they dont even have nhs
> 
> this is shitty i just wanted to write the au i dont even know if they use that weird funky neck massage to treat hiccups any more by word 1000 i dont think i was even trying


End file.
